After the first bout of critisism (I was already quite self concious and nervous and tense already, thank you so very much) I could not let the tiniest comment go by without analysing it to death and finally deciding how negative everything was. I somehow thought this is what everyone thought of me. Is it all in my head?
Seriously, this is getting out of hand, I think I am LOOKING for things that aren't there now.
For example: (there may be many)
1.
I was very nervous during my monologue, so I swore. (One or two other people included curses in their monologue too). I misinterpreted the exercise so when I got there I had to completely improvise it. In the routine discussion afterward, Emily said, "I think that people use swearing and it just lets down their performance." something to that effect. That couldn't have been a personal attack, could it? I am going insane?
2.
Another drama lesson.
Elenie: How did your ushering job go?
Me: Oh... I got there late but I didn't know and--
Ylaria: *strolling past, leaning in to talk to Elenie* she got there one hour late...
Elenie: Oh really??
3.
At my ushering job, Ernie told me to clean the back stairs which was not even technically an usher's job because you know, they're the back stairs and no one goes up the back stairs because they are part of the STAFF ROOM, not the theatre. Also, said Ernie, the cleaners refused to touch them. Geez, thanks. Out of all the ushers, and on CLOSING NIGHT, no less. Now I just sound like a brat but I need somewhere to vent.
4.
At Drama again, Peter looks like he's finally going to praise me. He looks up with a great big smile (yes, this does look creepy) and says, "Oh and Lisa, can I just say..." I hold my breath, wondering what the hell will come out... the whole class has his attention...
Peter: Can I just say what a wonderful job you did on the stairs!
Me: *not quite registering... what great thing did I do on stairs... I walked up and down stairs in my last monologue... no.. wait... he can only mean... OH FOR FUCKSSAKE. NOT THE FUCKING STAIRS IN NUMBER 3. JESUS.* Oh right! The stairs! *quick smile and it's gone. Class, please do not look at me.*
Blair: Haha yeah great job on the Stairs!
Emily: Now if you fail as an actor you'd make a great cleaner!
Oh please I want to die. I kinda still do.
5.
Had long talk to Griffin on bus to civic and Bryce... it was a very interesting conversation and it was fun. But then the more I thought about it afterwards the more I convinced myself they thought I was an idiot.
Anyway, that is just a few.
Thanks to this class I am shoving the books about Stanislavski down my throat (because he seems to be the person my teacherin a desperate attempt not to look like an idiot, because I am not an idiot. They just make me feel like one and they can't win and ruin my life and my self confidence because I won't let them. At the same time, I feel awful and stupid. And I feel awful and stupid for not giving up. But if I do give up I'll feel awfuller and stupider. Its a doozy.
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2 comments:
seriously, who do these drama teachers think they are? just remember, for all the arrogance they display, they are most probably failed actors and actresses themselves. With all the bitterness that brings about, they decide to prey on talented teenagers like you! (With the exception of Liliana who was AWESOME) it reminds me so much of my sister's experience with a graphic design teacher at bundah - he hated her because for one project they had to manipulate a magazine cover and she changed 'The Face' into 'The Fart'. Yeah, not the most original or witty thing to do but she made it look really professional and all that she-bang. Anyway, for her final assessment, the teacher gave her 50% for her journal because it was half the size it was meant to be, despite the fact it had all the drawings she needed and they were all excellent. Teachers can be such scum, rise above it! (in fact, you already have really, by having the integrity i know you have) lots of love, Lucy
aww thank you lucy. how are you by the way? I hope London is treating you well because otherwise I'll have to come and bash it. I'm missing you. I keep seeing your friend in the corridor but we don't get to talk much. As soon as i get a hold of a million billion dollars i'm coming to meet you.
thanks so much.. means a lot, it really does.
xoxox lisa
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